


Sharing

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Drama, Episode Related, Gap Filler, Season/Series 04, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-11-01
Updated: 2004-11-01
Packaged: 2018-12-29 02:13:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12072462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: When Justin walked away from Cody, where did he go? The scene I wanted but didn't get.Gapfiller for Eps. #405.





	Sharing

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes:

Summary: When Justin walked away from Cody, where did he go? The scene I wanted but didn't get.

**Gapfiller for Eps. #405.**

* * *

“You coward. You fucking coward, you let him get away.”

 

_‘Shit, shit! I let him get away.’_

 

“You had him!”

 

Justin watched himself pass the gun forward to Cody. A pang of agony jabbed his gut at the heavy steel leaving his hand. At giving his power away, again.

“You could have had him but you were too chickenshit.”

 

**walk away…**

 

“You’re like all the other faggots, you’re too afraid.”

 

**don’t speak just keep walking…**

 

“You’re all cowards and they KNOW IT. You could have ended it.”

 

_‘I am a coward.’_

 

**keep walking…**

 

“Faggot! You are no different than the rest of them!”

 

**have to breathe…**

 

“You deserve what you get, aaagh!”

 

**just breathe and walk...**

 

Justin let his deep sigh propel him forward.

“And you wanna know why? Because you’re all fucking pussies, that’s why.”

 

_‘I am a pussy.’_

 

**walk away…**

 

“Until we show those hetero-assholes that we have balls! That we CAN pull the trigger. Beat the shit out of them the way that they do us, they’ll always think we’re fuckin’ pussies!…”

 

***********************************************

Justin walked zombie-like down the city street. He didn’t feel the cold. He didn’t consciously stop at the corner and wait for the light to change. He simply found himself walking with the flow of other couples down Liberty Avenue.

 

Even as Cody’s voice had grown fainter and further away until it was swallowed by the sounds of the night, Justin vehemently cheered him on. He gave no response to the tirade, but the applause of approval was deafening in his head. His heart swelled with defiance.

 

Yet he kept walking.

 

Something else had command of his limbs, had stolen his words. Some other will made him walk away. Something hotter than the rage Cody so skillfully enflamed in him. Something powerful removed him from the situation, leaving him outwardly numb, but inwardly embattled between the raw desire to blow Chris Hobbs’ fucking brains out, and rational thought.

 

**breathe…**

 

Justin stopped walking. He closed his eyes, and breathed deeply. When he opened them, his will was his own again and he took in his surrounding. The street he stood in the middle of. The alley he has entered. The building glowing with lights at the end of the block.

 

The lights were still on.

 

Justin’s mind had quieted momentarily, but his apprehension mounted with every step he took towards the lights. He understood now that he was running on pure instinct. Instinct had pulled his finger back from the trigger. Instinct, as always, had led him back to Brian.

 

 

 

Justin slowly pushed through the doors of Kinnetic. The reception area was deserted. He approached the door to Brian’s office. His heart stopped when he actually saw him.

 

Brian was pacing behind his desk, a small phone hooked on his ear, his head tossed back with aggravation. He paced steadily, conveniently turning away from sight of Justin several times.

 

He was right there, on the other side of that glass. The arms Justin needed around him were right there. All he would have to do is confess his… All he had to do was explain himself ...

 

Completely in command of his body, Justin didn’t move.

 

 

 

Ted watched Justin walk up to the door to Brian’s office twice, then twice step away with seeming uncertainty. His own fingers nervously fumbling with the white envelope in his hands, he wondered if it would be wise to speak much less approach Justin in his agitated state. His silent deliberation ended when Justin suddenly turn to leave, but halted instantly at the sight of him standing there.

 

“Hey Justin. How’s it going?”

 

It took Justin a moment to shake free of his surprise. “It’s ah, it’s going.”

 

“It’s pretty late and-

 

“I didn’t think anyone would be here,” Justin said quickly.

 

“Me too. Actually, your showing up here is a rather large fortunate coincidence for me. I thought I would have to brave the ever-tempting depths of Babylon to find you.”

 

“Find me?”

 

“To give you this.”

 

“What is it?”

 

“As part of my recovery, I’m require to make amends to-”

 

The sound of a file cabinet slamming shut drowned out the rest of Ted’s sentence and sent Justin’s head twirling round towards Brian’s office door. The noise shocked Ted’s attention away from himself and the envelope for the first time, and he noticed how Justin nearly jumped out of his skin.

 

“Jesus Justin, are you alright? I suppose you’re looking for Brian, I’m sure he’s still here.”

 

“He’s here. I saw him,” he said, mostly to himself though he now spoke in Ted’s direction.

 

Ted took a step forward. “Well go on in. I’m sure he won’t mind.”

 

“Don’t!” Justin pleaded suddenly.

 

Ted waited, watching Justin, wondering what the hell was going on.

 

**breathe just breathe…**

 

Justin shook his head miserably. “I changed my mind. I can’t see him right now. I can’t talk to him. This was a mistake.”

 

“Wait,” Ted called, slowly tucking the envelope into his coat pocket. “You’ve obviously got something on your mind. You need to talk. So that’s what you should do. You should talk.”

 

 

 

 

There were few seats empty in the small meeting room. Rumpled, tired people filled the chairs, drinking coffee, smoking, looking around suspiciously. They were all ages and races and shapes, but they were all sad somehow, broken.

 

Justin looked out on the sea of faces. Somehow he found himself on a small stage before them, a microphone amplifying his every sigh and rustle of his clothes. He turned to Ted, standing beside him. “Ted, what the fuck?”

 

“I can’t believe how many people need a meeting tonight,” Ted pondered as he bustled to the podium. “Good evening, everyone. Wow, this is quite a turnout for a Tuesday. I’ve brought a friend with me tonight. Now I realize this is a bit unorthodox and some of you might even say inappropriate. But quite frankly, I couldn’t think of a more appropriate place for someone to be who needs to share his feelings without being judged. That said, everyone, this is Justin.”

 

“Hello Justin…” a chorus of voices echoed half-heartedly throughout the room.

 

The room was alive with the low steady current of the crowd. People fidgeting, people fanning themselves, people yawning. Justin could feel the sheer energy of their anticipation pushing against him away from the mike. Ted’s hand landed in Justin’s shoulder and nudged him forward again, then took one giant step away again.

 

No words would come. Justin closed his eyes, shaking his head.

 

**breathe…**

 

“Oh for Christ sake!” A man bellowed. He was fat and unshaven and garbed in standard construction worker attire. Blue collar hetero was written all over him. “Look you. I was this close to slamming a fifth of bourbon across the street. But instead I came here, because I knew there had to be some poor slob whose life is actually more pathetic and fucked up than mine. So unless you wanna make this the first AA meeting where you drive someone TO drink, start fuckin’ unloading.”

 

Ted stepped forward again. “Ok, ok, there’s no need to be hostile. You have to agree that we all feel very vulnerable when we’re standing up here.”

 

“I bet he’s not even a fuckin’ drunk! What does his candy ass have to be miserable about?”

 

“I was bashed.”

 

“Oh. So I was right after all.”

 

“Shut up Ed!” A voice called from somewhere in the room.

 

“Go on Justin, share.” Ted said, once the room settled. He stepped back.

 

“I invited my boyfriend to my prom and when he actually showed up, I got bashed in the head with a baseball bat. And I almost died. And now sometimes, I lose control of my hand when I’m trying to draw. But, I survived.” Justin shrugged hopelessly. “Is that what I’m supposed to say Ted? Is it supposed to help to say it in front of a room full of strangers?”

 

“It’s supposed to help to know that someone is listening.” The comment came from a pretty red-haired girl, the only other person in the room who appeared to be Justin’s age. She didn’t look like a drunk to Justin. But he saw that common sadness in her eyes. “And it helps all of us to hear, always helps to know that no one is alone in their pain.”

 

“I don’t know what else I’m supposed to say. You’re right, I’m not a drunk, or a junkie. I don’t think I’m doing anything that hurts me. Not anymore… There’s nothing I can stop doing to make my life better… except maybe being afraid. But how do I stop doing that? How do you stop yourself from being afraid? I… I can’t stop being afraid when I think of him…”

 

“Bullshit.”

 

Justin looked up. Brian was standing in the back of the room.

 

“Brian, please don’t interrupt. This is Justin’s time to share.”

 

“He’s allowed to share the truth. You’re not afraid of anything.”

 

Justin shook his head, cornered. “How can you say that? You know-“

 

“I know he came at you from behind.”

 

“I froze when I saw him.”

 

“He came at you with a weapon.”

 

“I couldn’t stop thinking about it-”

 

“You couldn’t stop it from happening. No more than I could have. Chris Hobbs is the coward, not you. So don’t give me this bullshit about how afraid you are.”

 

Acid was eating away at Justin’s insides again. He felt like he was dying, being crushed under the scrutiny of the strangers before him. Under Brian’s scrutiny.

 

“Brian-”

 

“I’ve seen you stand up to him Justin,” Brian said, as if Ted had not spoken. He took a few steps forward. “If he had stepped to you like a man, face to face, you wouldn’t have run away. You wouldn’t have been afraid, and you’re not afraid of him now.”

 

“Fuck you Brian! You don’t know shit!”

 

“I know you’d like to bash _his_ head in.”

 

“Fuck yes! I wanna hurt him! I wanna smash his fucking head in and watch him bleed. I wanna take his hands from him so he can’t draw or catch a ball or pick up a fucking fork. I wanna take the best night of his life away from him, just like he stole mine from me.”

 

“Then you’re not afraid, you’re pissed off. If you’re afraid of anyone, it’s yourself. You’re afraid of what you would do to him if you ever got the chance.”

 

Justin sighed at the irony. “You’re wrong. I had the chance… I had it and I didn’t take it…”

 

“Because you’re a man and he’s a coward.”

 

“I’m the coward. I had my chance to make him pay, and... I was even too scared to…”

 

“What you’re afraid of is becoming like him. And you should be. Hate is easy, Justin. Be a man.”

 

The meeting room was held in an absolute silence. No one seemed to breathe or move. Everyone waited while Justin and Brian stood locked in an intense gaze.

 

Justin replayed Brian’s voice over and over a hundred times in his head in just those few seconds, trying to identify the tenor his words. Shame. Annoyance. Anger. Pity.

 

He couldn’t tell. And the answer wasn’t in Brian’s eyes either.

 

**breathe…**

 

Justin finally looked away, still hearing their exchange in his mind, hearing Cody’s screams, feeling trapped.

 

Ted awkwardly waltzed towards the podium from the stage corner. “Well, as your quasi-sponsor for the evening, I’d just like to say on behalf of the group, all of whom I think have been very gracious, that it was very brave of you to be so open. And I want to thank you for sharing Justin. You too Brian.”

 

Justin stepped from the podium. With great effort, he descended the few steps and made his way towards the back door. A voice stopped him.

 

“This isn’t the usual forum for someone in your situation.” The red-hair spoke again. She stood up from her seat in the very center of the room, and rocked a little from foot to foot as if she weren’t quite sure if she should be speaking at all. She glanced around and when no one objected (not even Ed), she continued. “However, I’m sure the group would be happy to listen, if you should ever want… or need to come back and share again.”

 

Justin took in the sea of faces around her, saw the random heads nodding around the room, then looked at the young woman again. Confused and a little embarrassed, he pressed his lips together and acknowledged her with a single nod.

 

He took two more steps and found himself face to face with Brian. His lover wore that stern façade that successfully hid all emotion. Justin could only meet his eyes for a moment.

 

“Chris Hobbs. Did you hurt him?”

 

Justin shook his head no.

 

“Are you coming home?”

 

Again, Justin made a silent nod with some difficulty.

 

Brian stepped aside, letting Justin pass by him, then waited until he made eye contact with Ted. “You make a good mends Theodore.”

 

“Thanks, boss.”

 

With his usual indecipherable stare, Brian followed Justin out the hall.

 

 

 

 

In the parking lot, Justin stood at the passenger side of Brian’s Vette. He waited for Brian to open the door, but instead, the man stood watching him. “Is there more?”

 

Brian watched Justin’s face for the slightest change. This time, Brian could tell nothing. He pulled Justin’s shoulder and made the young man face him. “Since it seems tonight’s the night for letting go, is there more you need to get off your chest?”

 

Justin said nothing. He stood perfectly still, but emotions raged in his eyes. Brian saw.

 

He eased his hand behind Justin’s neck and pulled him in. He slowly brought his arms around Justin, holding him close and tight.

 

 

Justin stood, allowing himself to be held, as Brian’s hands move slowing up and down his back, his fingers gently grasping at his hair. Justin knew this touch. There was nothing sexual about it. This was the way Brian touched him after his fitfully nightmares. It was the soothing, careful strokes Brian used to administer calm. It was the tenderness Justin was certain no one in the world knew Brian Kinney was capable of, except him.

 

Suddenly, Justin remembered. This is all he ever wanted, all he ever needed: for Brian to want him and care about him and hold him, just like he was this very moment. Nothing else mattered except this, right here, right now.

 

Exhausted by the epiphany, Justin let go. His arms rose up and around Brian. His fingers dug into Brian’s shoulders. With his face resting against Brian’s chest, his tears began to flow freely.

 

Lost in a hard embrace, the couple forgot the night.


End file.
